Operation Skinny - Update

I have made a concious decision to forget the past and move forward with my life, part of that includes this blog, regular counselling, eating and living healthier  losing weight and forgetting people from my past who have hurt me.  So far this has been working in theory, however there is a bigger past that I have to remember, process and grieve properly.  This 'bigger past' is my mom, I lost her nearly 14 years ago making me 13 years old, it seems at the time I buried my pain under a thick layer of anger, sarcasm, situational humour and rebellion (the latter more so in my teens rather than my 20's).  However, now it seems by burying all that pain and sadness I have become what I like to call 'broken' or 'dead inside' (although the counsellor says that is detrimental to my healing!) but you 'situational humour' and what's funnier than 'I'm off to see my counsellor because i'm dead inside' - erm maybe alot but you catch my drift!  So I have to spend the next however many weeks reliving some of the hardest memories I have and trying to put them into words either out loud or on paper.  That I have found is not easy, how do you remember feelings that you have spent 14 year trying to forget?  The real question I think is, once I remember the feelings can I work through them or will it be the worst thing I have ever done.  I won't know until I try (and jumping out of a plane was a similar feeling and that was the best thing I have ever done..by far!)

So this (I am told) is step 1 in the grieving process, talking, opening up and trying to make sense of situations which I have tried to bury for 14 years!

Enough with that 'depressing' talk (apparently also detrimental!!) onto Operation Skinny....

Well success at weight watchers this week another half a pound off, doesn't seem like much but it tipped me over the half a stone mark so I treated myself to a curry to celebrate - which my seem like defying the object but I find if I have a treat when I achieve and not completely starve myself of the things I love I more likely to stick to this new regime!  So I had a Chicken Tikka Masala, Half Garlic Naan, Half Mushroom Pilau rice and 2 poppadoms and it was AMAZING!!

 
My treat if when I lose a stone will be Coast to Coast with the girls from work :-) Its an American restaurant and bar and the food it AMAZING but not weight watchers friendly by any means! I'm so excited!

In my attempt to be more spontaneous in life I trekked to the local park and went sledging on Tuesday after work and had the most fun... as I said in my previous post everytime it snows I promise myself I will enjoy it so this time I decided to step up and it was sooo worth it.... I do have videos but I can't upload them for some reason but i'll put them on when I can figure out how to do it!

Still doing hip hop abs, should be doing 6 days a week but on average I am probably doing 4 days due to work commitments etc so I need to step it up next week....although i'm off to London to run an event which i am very excited about!

Last note - i'm off to Manchester tomorrow to visit my cousin, I have only been once for work but I fell in love with the city, I can't wait to get there and see some of the sights and do some shopping......

SNOW DAY!!

I got a text on Friday morning telling me to stay at home due to the bad snow... I should have taken advantage and got sledging or made a snowman or a snow angel but yet again, as always with the snow I can't be bothered to get cold and wet so I stayed in bed with my electric blanket and worked :(. Every time there is snow I promise myself I will go out and have some fun in it and every time I decide its easier and warmer to stay indoors :(

Eating wise I haven't done that well this weekend, I went to visit my friend in Reading for her birthday and ending up habits wine, cake and burger and chips - BUT it was the best burger I think I have ever had :) so I'm glad I had it and I haven't gone over my weekly points for weightwatchers so it's all good!! I would recommend the Black Boy in Reading the food is great and the atmosphere is lovely!!

After a weekend if essay writing I decided to visit Claire for a roast dinner on Sunday- driving through the snow was a challenge but my little car is pretty good for the snow. I made it there eventually in my pink hat, Welles and bright blue hoodie ( I looked ridiculous but I was warm! ) I had the most amazing roast dinner (I would have taken a photo but I was starving!!) but I think it was a bit naughty weightwatchers wise!! :-/ oh well sometimes you have a day when naughty food is important.....

Sunday was one of those days when you just want to cry all day, I figured I would embrace it and watch 4 sad films in a row:

The Vow
The Notebook
Dear John
Pearl Harbor

I ending up a swollen eyed wreck!! But it felt good to get all that pent up emotion out.

The week ahead is going to be positively manic so I will posting periodically!! I have Counselling tomorrow and I have to write a letter to my mom in preparation, not sure to approach it but I'm sure ill come up with something once I get pen on paper! I have to do some further preparations for Louise's baby shower which is flying around now!! I also need to do the invites for Dads birthday party... All this around the cinema with Anup, visiting Lou and traveling to Manchester to visit my cousin on Friday!! Busy week! Hopefully I will be able to post again after weigh in on Wednesday :)

Operation Skinny - Days 13 and 14

Well as my weekend didn't go so well I have made a point of being really good through the first half of this week, my dad requested Spaghetti and Meatballs on Sunday so I did that for him but wanted something with a few less points for me.  So I only had 3 meatballs instead of 6 which seemed plenty in the end.  I made a sauce with tinned tomatos, garlic, mushrooms and onions which were all free but instead of Spaghetti I did more of my roasted butternut squash and carrots.  It was a lovely dinner. I then did the same on Monday, Dad had Spaghetti bolognaise (he loves his pasta!) but instead of pasta I had more roasted veggies and I felt perfectly full after but not bursting and I didn't get hungry again all night!

I have been having weight watchers soups for lunch with a slice of bread and for a 4 propoint lunch I have found them very filling and tasty so I may continue this trend for a while :-)

Yesterday I didn't eat much at all I was so worried about my weigh in after my awful weekend - anywho my determination and strict regime for the remainder of the week seem to have done the trick as I have lost another 2lb bringing me to an overall loss of 6.5lb so far!!  This means I am so determined to do well this week as it will mean my half a stone award, plus my 5% award and will push me into the next 'stone' bracker (out of the 12st into the 11st!) which will be a big acheivment fo me :-)  I'm still doing well with my awareness of food value and also not allowing myself to become 'starving' therefore wanted easy fixes and junk food.

I'm on my own tonight (pub night for Dad) so i'm thinking about what to have for dinner and i'm thinking chicken cooked with some sort of seasoning (not sure what yet!) with mushrooms and onions in either a pitta or tortilla with low fat mint and yogurt dressing, i'm rather looking forward to it actually :-)  I need something quick before I meet Claire at the pub as this particualar pub is a Hungry Horse (which i don't recommend for anyone who is dieting!) and it has nothing healthy on the menu (that I can see or like anyway!) its all with chips and caked in sauce - no plain chicken option or mash to make up a nice healthy meal.  So I figured if I eat before I go I won't be tempted by the naughty meals on their menu!

Emotionally/mentally I am feeling much stronger and I think it is all to do with my new outlook and trying to make changes that can improve my life.  I am starting to see the positive in situations and I feel better each morning when I wake up :-) I think my happy day calendar can sense my improvements :-)

A little bit of everything...

Well quite a ... weekend, not at all what I was expecting.  Started with the first night out drinking in 2013 and I was rather looking forward to it (which is an achievment in itself!!) so off I trot on Friday off to my cousins to get ready.  Getting ready might I add used to be one of my favourite parts of the night, when I felt comfortable in my clothes and my own skin for that matter.  Now, the thought of putting an outfit on and looking in the mirror fills me with dread BUT this time it wasn't so bad...I did my hair and make up and left getting dressed right til the last minute (mainly so I had had a few drinks before I looked in the mirror) and shock horror it wasn't that bad - I didn't look like an Oompa Loompa in a dress and i was quite happy with the results, i don't have a photo of my outfit but this is my hair and make up and I was happier with that than I have been in a while.  So, off we go on my first night out of 2013 feeling a little merry and somewhat confident (in comparison to similar situations in 2012)......

...2 hours later...

....the club doesn't do diet drinks so i'm 187 (give or take) over my Weight Watchers points for the day...week....month....decade!!  My feet are killing me (early onset arthritus is not something to joke about!!) my cousin and her friends are in a fight with some girl and i'm tired.....AWESOME!

There is where our night out ending at 11pm in the chip shop (which felt like approximately 250 miles from the club) and back to my cousins flat - where the evening proceeded to me being called a lightweight as I wanted to go to bed (don't know about you but I don't know what else I was going to do) so in bed I was by 11.30pm and honestly it was the best part of the night!! :-)

I am officially addicted to Fringe I have watched 3 seasons in 2 weeks and I have now found out that the next series is the last and only has 12 episodes :( need to find something new to watch ASAP!!

My new uni books have come this week and after flicking through them for 30 seconds I have decided it looks too hard and I don't want to do it anymore...humph!!  But this is my last year at Uni now so I just need to push on for a few more months and it will all be over and so worth it!!  I'm rather excited about the prospect of graduating and more importantly having  graduation party as I love to plan a good event... So far that is what this week has consisted of planning a Baby Shower for my friend Lou she has given us a spec and a budget and its seems to be going well so far - I love that feeling when you can see an event start to form and take shape and things are starting fall into place, its very exciting and explains why this is what I want to do with my life :-)

Well with my lack of pictures this time round I have probably bored you stupid but heyho - my blog I can say what I want... Hopefully my next one will be a bit more focused and a bit less higgledy piggledy :-)

Day 7 - 'Operation Skinny'

It was weigh in at Weight Watchers last night so I was nervous all day even though I knew I had been good snacking on fruit and veg limitng crisps, sweets and chocolates.  It seems all my hard work paid off because I lost 4.5lb so I was really please.  I also went back to my Aunts after Weight Watchers and had a healthy dinner as well, we had pork chop less the fat, a stuffed mushroom and a small jacket potato with salad (I need to try to remember to take photos of my food, i'm usually so hungry I completely forget :-/).  This was my proudest moment as I normally would leave Weight Watchers and go and have a 'cheat' meal like a Chinese, McDonalds or Fish and chips :-) so I was really proud of myself for having a healthy dinner - go me! :-)

Following my successful trip to Weight Watchers I got home to an e-mail from Open University informing me that I got 83% on my last assignment.  I hadn't worked very hard on this assignment as its a filler course and won't effect my classification so I decided I just needed to pass which is 40% upwards.  So I was really surprised and pleased with myself, this has given me a good boost for the next assignment - which works out really well as this one was worth 10% the next one in worth 90% so I am going to try hard on the next one to keep my scores up now - one good score can improve my motivation for the entire year as I don't want to drop below that again, it sets the bar for the rest of the course/year.

I am really determined this year, I have one course left (of a 6 year run) and then I graduate and I can't wait for it, it feels like it has been going on forever but it will be so worth it in the end......

The power of laughter

It is fair to say that I really believe the statement above, for example on Christmas Day me and Dad were just having dinner at home just the two of us so we brought chicken as I am not a fan of Turkey at all.  So I brought a fairly large chicken with a use by and display until date of 28th December - plenty of time!! NO,opened the wrapper on Christmas Day and the smell was awful, there was no question, the chicken had gone off!!  I was so upset, I just wanted a nice Christmas dinner with no hassle and it had all gone wrong.  Therefore I started to cry, borderline hysterically while my Dad proceeded to go backwards and forwards from the freezer to the living room to show me the options we had (this included Turkey drummers and Beef Meatballs!!) you can imagine how impressed I was with these suggestions as well as Dad's extremely helpful 'Its only a dinner Jenna we can have anything'.  This just got me more upset until that is my friend Claire rang me, this is how the conversation went:

Claire: Whats wrong, are you crying?
Jenna: Yeah the chicken has gone off and it smells rotten and Dad thinks its just a dinner and wants to cook Turkey Drummers, they are just chicken nuggets made with Turkey, Christmas Sucks
Claire: Do you have cheesecake for pudding?
Jenna: What?
Claire: Do you have cheesecake for pudding?
Jenna: Of course, why?
Claire: Why does it matter what you have for dinner when you have cheesecake for after, cheesecake rocks!

This made me laugh so much I forgot how upset I was about the chicken and just at that moment Dad came in with Streaky bacon and Posh sausages 'Giant pigs in blankets?'

My Christmas was saved through the power of laughter!  What made me think of this story?  Well, it was this photo that I found on Facebook, people say you should make light of depression or anxiety disorders etc but maybe if your a sufferer you should once in a while because laughing once can make you feel so much better for the rest of the day!! (all these photos are from the igag app for iphone!)

So here are some other of the my favourite pictures that I have found on Facebook, some have made me smile because they are a nice quote or happy thought, others have made me howl with laughter and have brightened a little bit of my day:

This is exactly what I like before I start a diet :-/

Since my bestest mate found out she was having a baby, baby clothes became much more exciting - I am determined to find the most inappropriate tshirt for baby Bow to wear these are just a few i have found browsing the internet:

If you've ever seen the film Inception you will like this - i am amazed anyone could do this!  It is a plotline of Inception in the form of a drawing :-o

Have you ever felt like this....I have many a time ;-)

Then just a few that made me laugh :-)

Countdown

It's been a long time since I have been excited about anything and I mean anything.  I wasn't looking forward to Christmas and normally i'm the festive (borderline irritating) Christmas junkie you would have the care to meet so it was strange not to look forward to it.  In the end I enjoyed it as much as I could but I missed the excitement of the run up to Christmas (which I always think is the best bit!!) and definitely missed counting down the days so in the interest of improving myself and my life I have started some new countdowns and I found myself looking forward to the events at the end of these countdowns:

17 Sleeps until I visit my cousin in Manchester for the weekend
61 Sleeps until Mothers Day/Moms anniversary which isn't supposed to be fun but taking a day trip to Weston Super Mare will be fun!!
72 Sleeps until my annual trip to Guildford and Thorpe Park with my cousin
100 Sleeps until Baby Bow's arrival (although I get the feeling this may be sooner)

This is all I have at the moment but as they happen I intend to add new ones as well, each month I want to make sure I have a new thing to look forward to, there is plenty that I need to plan anyway like:

Trip to Devon to visit my cousin, her husband and their beautiful baby boy
Family holiday in Weston-Super-Mare (in honour of my Grandad)
Graduation Party (althought this may end up being next year!)
Holiday with my aunts and cousins (hopefully!)
Lots of special times with Baby Bow

I have eaten lots of lovely (healthy and weight watchers approved food today) i had porridge with raisins and dried apricot in this morning, not sure I like dried apricot but it may grow on me :-/ apples and clementines for snacks as well (the clementines are sooo sweet and lovely im not sure whether its the time of year or what!) Then chicken salad for lunch with lettuce, carrot and peppers and mint yogurt dressing, nomnom!!  I think I will be eating in the pub tonight so it will be a good test of how well I do when i'm not at home or work so wish me luck!

Finish work early today so off to train with my cousin - this is the fitness regime we are doing:

I did take a video of myself doing it last night to see where I need to improve but I won't be posting it on here, I knew it would be bad but I was not prepared for what I saw - it was quite an eye-opener.  If you want a motivator to lose weight do exercise on camera and watch it back - sorted!!

I did go to the pub and it was a Hungry Horse chain, not sure if anyone else has ever been to one but they do not understand the concept of healthy food let alone salad.  Not a single salad, skinny burger or plain chicken breast on the menu so I decided to eat at home instead but had a bag of quavers to take the edge off while still being within my allocated propoints for today and by the time I got home I wasn't hungry so have skipped dinner altogether.  Regardless, I very much enjoyed my catch up with Claire (hadn't seen her since New Year) and she found joy in me recounting stories that I like to call 'Shit my Nan says' but I will save those for another time :-)

Making The Impossible possible

I had a nice dream last night, I woke up smiling but I couldn't quite place why.  The dream was right at the tip of mind and if I tried to stretch to remember it, it slipped a bit further away until it was completely gone, so I have no idea what it was about but it feels like it was good :-)  So this put me a quite a good place to start that day, although I felt particularly tired this morning.  I think this may have had something to do with my cinema trip last night and as promised here is what I thought...

The Impossible, an amazing film!  Visually stunning and a wonderful story of hope, courage and family.  Unfortunately, I feel, it may focus a little too much on Western tourists and holiday makers and how the Tsunami effected them and skimmed over the locals who not only lost loved ones but homes, businesses and everything they have worked for.  However, this doesn't take away from the film at all though, its emotion and heartbreak is what makes it so gripping.  I found myself crying in sadness for the family as well as in happiness and willing them to find each other and wondering if in the same situation I would be so strong, particularly if I was a young child having to take care of a parent in that situation.  All in all a fantastic film that leave you feeling heartbroken for anyone that was effected by this catastrophe and stays with you long after you have finished watching it.  A recommendation but maybe not at the cinema, maybe at home on your own in a dark room with a box of tissues.

'Operation Skinny' update - I have been eating really well, even when I could have been naughty.  Yesterday I spent AGES par-boiling root vegetables and bagging and freezing them so I can roast them instead of potatoes at a moments notice - this will limit my carbs at dinner which is good :-)  Already feeling better, clothes don't feel much looser yet BUT I am seeing myself differently.  Not in the mirror but you know that moment when you think of putting an outfit on or doing your hair a certain way and you see a version of yourself in your head.  For the last few months that version of me has been particularly round and wider than before.  This is starting to change now to seeing myself slimmer in my head, I may not be there yet but visualising your goal is the first step :-)

I am feeling very positive today about my weight loss goals and my life change goals.  I feel like if people can fight and survive such devastating circumstances then anything is possible you just have to work hard to acheive it.  My problems pale in significance to theirs and so I should count myself lucky to have the all the positive things in my life and as for the negative, well you just have to work through them one day at a time.......

The power of dreams and positive thinking

My counsellor taught me to control my thoughts, i.e replace negative thoughts with positive thinking and to control my temper when I can't find things or things don't go my way. I think I may have taken this a little bit too far, let me explain...

Last night I had a dream that I was going on a skiing holiday with a group of friends and family and I had planned it all and was feeling very smug so turned up at my friends house explaining how organised I am. She noticed I had no suitcase and asked me about it, it turned out I had forgotten to pack and had 15 minutes before the taxi was due. I rushed home in a panic and tried in vain to pack items suitable for skiing (I haven't been skiing for at least 5 years if not more so remembering what to pack was impossible) - therefore I was freaking out, crying, angry and inconsolable.... Then in my dream I said to myself "this is getting too stressful and I'm panicking, I need to wake up now"

At that point I woke up feeling slightly panicked and worried until I realised it was a dream. I am managing to control my emotions even in my dreams... This must be a good sign!!!

Was supposed to go to The Harvester today with my bestest buddy but she is poorly with a migraine (do not envy her!!) so instead I am having breakfast with Aunt and cousins, they are having a full cooked breakfast so I am going to try and pull out the healthy bits (no greasy spoon situation for me!!) if I can do this I will be really proud as I love a really greasy full English :)

My Happy Day Calendar tells me I should be happy today because its nearly spring.... The temperature and frost outside is telling me different :-/

Later on today I'm going to see The Impossible the film about a British family in Southeast Asia during the devastating Boxing Day tsunami - I am little concerned as I am quite emotional at the minute and it looks like such an emotional film throughout, I cried in the trailer!!

The film has faced some criticism over the film being stated as a true story and use of British actors when in fact in the true story was a Spanish family and the focus being on Western tourists over the locals who suffered terribly by the devastation of the tsunami. Empire magazine (my film guru) gives it 4 stars, I'll share my opinion tomorrow...

Now back to my Full English, this is what I went for which I am really proud about! Grilled bacon, no fat, poached egg, mushrooms and beans plus lightly buttered toast to fill me up until my next meal :)

'Operation Skinny' - Day 3

Woke up feeling quite glum this morning, tried some of the 'techniques' given to me by my counsellor but couldn't shake the feeling of sadness.  This is never a good start to the day in my world so I decided to change it!  I checked out my Happy Day Calender and I read my cousins blog, both of which prompted me to get my ass out of bed...

 So I jumped out of bed put my exercise gear on and tackled Day 3 of 'Operation Skinny'.  Just the prospect of getting up and doing something made me feel better so I continued this theory throughout the day...

Here is the evidence of my gruelling 40 minute workout this morning, I look sad but I felt much better after I'd cooled down and realised I had achieved something :-)

I continued my day on a high, went to the supermarket and brought lots of fresh veg to par boil and freeze, i figure if its accessible easily I'm more likely to eat it :-) and i even made an effort when getting ready, put a bit make up on, straightened my hair.  These are habits I have slipped out of in the past few months, refusing to care how I look but that needs to change....I am starting a routine of taking care of myself both physically and mentally.  In support of this I decided to walk to the supermarket with my Dad, which turned out was 2.45 miles away, took us over three hours including the shopping and a quick stop at Costa Coffee (only drinking Vitamin Water might I add!) but I feel great, tired but not in a groggy way :-)  I think walking is something I need to do more often, particularly at the weekend when its very easy to stay in bed all day!

I think its fair to say my obsession with television is contributing to my depression, as much as I think I enjoy lounging around watching series after series it actually makes me feel groggy, low and lazy.  I am learning that by being active and achieving things (even if its just a 40 minute workout or a task I promised I would do) I feel much happier.  This is one of those 'lightbulb' moments that you have to try and remember for the future as I can easily forget and revert to my lounging lazy self!

Right I am off now to spend some quality time with my cousin before she leaves to go back to university :(

Planner Extraordinaire

I have found a new trick to dieting, keep yourself busy!!  Today I been working on plans for my best friends baby shower - considering this this something I want to do for a living I didn't realise how stressful it could be!  Basically, I have spent today on the internet and not stopped, meaning I have completely forgotten to eat.  I had my morning muesli and and orange and yet I haven't noticed being hungry once - I think I may need to get a faster paced job, i'll be skinny in no time!!

As part of 'Operation Skinny' I started my new exercise regime yesterday and was shocked to realise how unfit I am, I struggled to breathe for the entire second half and was in bed by 6.30pm (although didn't sleep until 2am due to the delivery of Fringe season 3!! I have a habit of getting addicted to TV programmes particualrly when they are in the box set form - can usually get through one in 2 days :-/).  Anyway, Hip Hop Abs promises to burn fat and tone stomach muscles (it would take a while to determine whether this is actually true as my stomach muscles are highly protected by not only one but a few layers of fat) I will be doing 40 minute sessions 6 days a week which should be a achievable and along with weight watchers I should be well on my way to losing pounds soon enough....watch this space!

My happy day calendar (brought for me by my cousins as a way of climbing out of the pit of depression) apparently doesn't support my plans for weight loss:

Day 1 of 'Operation Skinny'

Don't get me wrong, 'Operation Skinny' makes it sound like I want to see my collar bones and hip bones on a regular basis, I don't.  Plus, I have a medium to large size frame (width wise, I'm only 5ft height wise!!) so if I could see my hip bones I would also look suspiciously like a lollipop or one of those dogs in the car with a bobbing head :-/

Anyway, day 1 of 'Operation Skinny' and I am starving, all I can think about is naughty food and alcohol (I am also attempting a Dryathalon).  Put this this way I am sitting at my desk in my office dreaming of a McDonald's and a can of Strongbow (classy I know!) but no I have to be strong so instead I have enjoyed a cup of tea, a Muller rice and melon, none of which seem to have the capabilities of filling my overly stretched stomach, which at 10.45am was already growling for lunch!

However, my ever supportive best friend has once again saved me from my hunger pains with the following text:

So 'Operation Skinny is off to a flying start...

Welcome to 2013

Well I may be 3 days late for the 'New Year New Blog' malarkey but hey ho, this is my first blog and my first post.  I decided just this morning that I was going to do it.

For a long time I have happily plodded along through life taking each day as it comes that is until last year when taking things as they came became a lot harder. I was diagnosed with depression and struggled to enjoy anything and struggled to get up in the morning. I starting visiting a counsellor regularly and slowly began to feel more positive about the possibilities for the future.  That is where this blog comes in.  I'm not doing it for anyone to read necessarily but as a way to talk about the changes I'm making in the New Year and as a way of documenting the year, sort of like a diary.

So what changes am I making, the first and most important is my weight, I wont be divulging stones and pounds here but I have managed to put on 2st somewhere along the line which I am not happy with - especially as it has all gone onto my stomach, I look like a cross between a teletubby and my pregnant best mate (my stomach is still bigger than hers and she is 25 weeks along) - you want evidence:

Any ideas which ones which? :-/  This prompted me to make a change and that being Weight Watchers and exercise - and by exercise I mean more than hiding the remote so I have to get up to change the channel!!

Although, this blog isn't just about weight loss, it's about a life change.  Here we go......