I have made a concious decision to forget the past and move forward with my life, part of that includes this blog, regular counselling, eating and living healthier losing weight and forgetting people from my past who have hurt me. So far this has been working in theory, however there is a bigger past that I have to remember, process and grieve properly. This 'bigger past' is my mom, I lost her nearly 14 years ago making me 13 years old, it seems at the time I buried my pain under a thick layer of anger, sarcasm, situational humour and rebellion (the latter more so in my teens rather than my 20's). However, now it seems by burying all that pain and sadness I have become what I like to call 'broken' or 'dead inside' (although the counsellor says that is detrimental to my healing!) but you 'situational humour' and what's funnier than 'I'm off to see my counsellor because i'm dead inside' - erm maybe alot but you catch my drift! So I have to spend the next however many weeks reliving some of the hardest memories I have and trying to put them into words either out loud or on paper. That I have found is not easy, how do you remember feelings that you have spent 14 year trying to forget? The real question I think is, once I remember the feelings can I work through them or will it be the worst thing I have ever done. I won't know until I try (and jumping out of a plane was a similar feeling and that was the best thing I have ever done..by far!)
So this (I am told) is step 1 in the grieving process, talking, opening up and trying to make sense of situations which I have tried to bury for 14 years!
Enough with that 'depressing' talk (apparently also detrimental!!) onto Operation Skinny....
Well success at weight watchers this week another half a pound off, doesn't seem like much but it tipped me over the half a stone mark so I treated myself to a curry to celebrate - which my seem like defying the object but I find if I have a treat when I achieve and not completely starve myself of the things I love I more likely to stick to this new regime! So I had a Chicken Tikka Masala, Half Garlic Naan, Half Mushroom Pilau rice and 2 poppadoms and it was AMAZING!!
My treat
if when I lose a stone will be Coast to Coast with the girls from work :-) Its an American restaurant and bar and the food it AMAZING but not weight watchers friendly by any means! I'm so excited!
In my attempt to be more spontaneous in life I trekked to the local park and went sledging on Tuesday after work and had the most fun... as I said in my previous post everytime it snows I promise myself I will enjoy it so this time I decided to step up and it was sooo worth it.... I do have videos but I can't upload them for some reason but i'll put them on when I can figure out how to do it!
Still doing hip hop abs, should be doing 6 days a week but on average I am probably doing 4 days due to work commitments etc so I need to step it up next week....although i'm off to London to run an event which i am very excited about!
Last note - i'm off to Manchester tomorrow to visit my cousin, I have only been once for work but I fell in love with the city, I can't wait to get there and see some of the sights and do some shopping......
Jenna - i am so so proud of you hun. It doesn't matter how long you have buried the grief of losing your mom, it is important though that you DO grieve. You were only a child when she died, too young to understand or show the emotions that you had inside. It is going to be tough to go through the grieving process but whether it be 14 years ago she passed away or yesterday, the grief will be the same. I still grieve for your mom, i think about her a lot, she was special and fortunately she passed that on to you. Stop saying you are dead inside, if you keep saying it you will believe it and that's just not true! I remember our chat at the back of the rugby field a few months after your mom passed away, the grief was there, you just didn't know how to show it.
ReplyDeleteYou are so amazing and you are going to realise that you are very much alive inside! Like i said, i'm very proud of you for all that you are achieving - i love you like a sister and will always be there for you xxx